So its around midnight, i’m shivering from the cold and i should be asleep. Why am i still up? Why am i writing this blog? Why don’t i just get to point and stop wasting time? Why am i talking to myself? I’m constantly questioning myself, its a never ending cycle and it’s mentally, physically and emotionally tiring. All the more reason for me to be asleep right now, which begs the question, what am i avoiding?
The answer to the last question is that im avoiding tomorrow. It’s most likely going to be the same as today, i will get up, eat, study and go to work at some point. It’s the story that never ends. Don’t get me wrong, there will be highlights….i will get the exciting choice of toast or cereal for breakfast, there will be a plot twist (to walk or catch the bus to work) and a fitting finale where i pass out from exhaustion after returning home for work. The monotony of it all, ugh, utterly predictable. This happens basically everyday, yet only now am i writing this blog, divulging my best kept secrets to you. Why?
About a week ago i decided to have another crack at online dating (for the first time in around 3 months after dating a girl throughout march), thinking rather optimistically that it will be different this time, i’m just using it to broaden my options, no harm could possibly come of it. Oh how wrong i was :( It was like i wouldn’t acknowledge the memories of my time using this service prior to my last relationship. Within seconds of creating a new and improved (well at least i thought so anyway) profile i was ‘rejected’ around 5 times within a couple of minutes. We apply, they deny!! This motto instantly sprung to mind as it was one i coined the last time i went online. Needless to say, old feelings of a lack of self worth, ruined pride and low confidence began to haunt me again. I broke down :(
This was particularly devastating to me as it was another case of letting myself down, breaking yet another promise i had made to myself. I should of known what was going to happen as it had happened many times before. 9 times out of 10 as a guy, you will get rejected online, that is the superficial nature of it all and of the lucky few that have accepted my requests, some were mistakes, jokes, only a few seem genuinely interested. This bothers me and i further analyse it all, there must be something about me that is turning away the girls, there must be an invisible sign above my forehead saying: are you bored? do you not know what you want? well do i have the solution for you! Waste some of this guy’s (me) time and get his hopes up, you are sure to get a kick out of it!
What compounds the issue is that deep down i know i am a good guy, sure i’ve got my insecurities and issues to deal with but don’t we all? Perhaps it says more about the girls rejecting me then it does about me personally? All i know is that however you answer that question, the end result is that i am alone. I really enjoyed the time i spent with the girl i met during the local arts festival, she was fantastic but it just emphasizes my current situation all the more, i lost her, i somehow must of made a mistake and perhaps now i’m serving my sentence.
It’s moments like these that happen over and over again and i don’t stand up for myself when it’s needed. I realised i had become that guy that had hit rock bottom but simply didn’t know it. Those rejection’s served as a wake up call so i decided it’s time i stood up and be counted. This is why i decided to blog, i don’t want this negative energy to build and become destructive, i wan’t to vent, let it all out in the hope that something positive, perhaps even beautiful may occur, just in the same way the petals emerge from a blossoming flower.
Thank you for reading and being patient. You have no idea how much it means :)