A long time between drinks…

A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, there was a guy that blogged. This guy never sought attention nor did he blog to get followers. It was never an ego thing; he merely needed a means to vent the feelings and thoughts that followed him wherever he went. To begin with he-who-shall-probably-will-be-named was coming up with topics to write about faster then he could write them, a passion was sparked, a fire was lit and a new dawn had arrived. He felt like a new man with purpose and for a long time blogging was therapeutic and good for his ‘most-likely-has-one’ Soul. Eventually the novelty wore off for my dear friend and blogging soon became a real effort. As soon as the motivation went, the honeymoon period was over.

I’m sure you must have questions. Like, who am i? How do I know ForeverConflicted? What is the meaning of life? Why doesn’t Lady Gaga just commit herself? What is a question? Why do I ask questions? Is there any point to this? Are you trying to be innovative? I like pickle juice.

To be honest, the truth is…..*drumroll* OBVIOUS PLOT ‘TWIST’…I AM YOUR FATHER! ForeverConflicted is actually myself and let’s be honest; I had you all fooled O.o. ‘A long time between drinks’, it has been a while since I last blogged, june/july infact. To put it simply, I did infact lose the motivation to blog, it felt like too much of an effort and truth be told, the lack of followers did affect me.

To start with, I was just happy to write and share my personality with the world in an anonymous way and this was true for quite awhile. It was fun noticing that people were viewing my blogs from different countries, watching the view’s per page tick over…I felt like in some way that I was a bit famous and that I had a lot of virtual friends all over the world! It was a massive ego boost. It wasn’t too long until I started to become a self-conscious and the lack of followers was starting to get to me.

I started thinking to myself, “the lack of followers must mean that my blog isn’t any good or that “I am not interesting as a person”. All of a sudden, I was blogging for the wrong reasons!! It took me way to long to realise this and now that I have, I understand the true purpose of blogs. Blogs aren’t (or shouldn’t) be a popularity contest, nay I say! NAY!! Blogs give, for the most part, people a voice, mostly those whom otherwise might have trouble expressing it in other means (Darth Vader and Bane would be good candidates for blogs methinks…I mean seriously, who can understand those guys…”I am Bane and my voice never broke”).

In closing, my question to you *points finger dramatically at screen*: Why do you blog???

Peace out homies,

ForeverConflicted

My day at AVCON (anime and video games convention)

So a short time ago i arrived back home from Avcon (see title) and i miss it already. I feel lost, not really sure what i am gonna do for the next few weeks...i guess i will have uni and work but those two things are not typically what one would get enthused and excited over.

I went to my first AVCON event last year after missing out for many years beforehand. I decided to go as Goku from DragonballZ (super saiyan) and spent the moments beforehand worrying that my cosplay wasn't that good and i would look/feel like a fool. That changed the instant i arrived last year as soon as someone asked for my picture...i felt like i had found somewhere i belonged, even if it was only for a day or two. Excitement and that sense of peace are a rare thing for me so i truly value AVCON and the home that it provides those that otherwise keep there 'geeky'/'nerdy' interests private.

It was no different this year, well perhaps it was slightly. I had decided to book the whole weekend off for AVCON so i could get as much as possible out of the event. My goal was to do a bit of everything that was on offer and i like to think i achieved this goal. I sat in on a Video Game Reviewer's panel, i played alot of video games, had a look at all the various stalls and items that were on sale/offer, i went to the Madman National Cosplay competition, the Lolita fashion parade, saw some Anime (Gurren Lagann and UN-GO- both of which i recommend) amongst other things!

There's two things i LOVE about AVCON, 1. People making you feel awesome by asking for photo and appreciating what you have done and 2. Seeing the effort and enthusiasm that people have in getting into the spirit of AVCON, especially those who dress up in character. Now, im not much of an expert on Anime so there is alot of characters i won't list here however there was still so many memorable characters. There was: Bane, batman, the legoman, Mimi (digimon), Lara Croft, Fang, Goku, Vegeta, Gumby, MasterChief, Iron Man, War Machine, The Hulk, A deathnote, Sailor Moon and the other Sailor girls, Lolita girls, Dr Who amongst MANY others. I think i took something like 175 photos and can't wait to upload them to facebook sometime in the near future!

The only lowlight was that it didn't go on forever. In some sense, we were all one huge family, there just to have a good time with one another and im sure many people made new friends throughout the event. I just want to say a huge thankyou to everyone who had a hand in making AVCON what it was, the organisers, staff, the volunteers, the stall/booth operators, the special guests and most importantly everyone who attended the event itself....THANKYOU :)

PS on the saturday i went as Goku and on the Sunday i went as a Wraith from Stargate Atlantis (the special effects Makeup done by a good friend of mine, please check out her facebook page and support her like she supported me Tiffany Dean- MakeUp extroadinaire). Pics will be posted to her page in good time

ForeverConflicted

Im back!!.....for now.

So i had just seen 'The Dark Knight Rises' with my brother and a few friends and was energized and motivated to make the most of the rest of the day, i was in a great mood as i often am after coming out of an amazing film (albeit not perfect). I had to head into the city to see a friend but before i had left my brother mentioned that a mutual friend of ours had pulled out of the open mic cabaret night, at our local library/cultural centre and wasn't too happy about it.

As a big brother i could of just done the immature thing and laughed and walked away but no, almost without hesitating i said "that's not fair on you, i will get up on stage and do something as well". Two hours later in the city it suddenly hit "HOLY CRAP WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!" and then it dawned upon me that i haven't done any stand up comedy since our local Fringe Festival (back in march) and i had basically no time to prepare. The Fringe performances were possibly the 2 worst (relatively) i have ever done so needless to say, the time between this realisation and the time that i got home was spent stressing, worrying and having horrible nightmare/flashbacks of those days in March (possibly slightly over dramatic ;) ).

I had been tempted to go back to open mic night comedy but that was a different venue, i had a couple of jokes written but hadn't prepared or rehearsed them at all, my heart was thumping louder then a bass guitar soloist at a packed out concert!! I rock up to the night and after practicing, memorising and editing on the way to the event i was feeling a little better and ready to rock the mic!

Now, it must be said that i thought all of my jokes were great material, i thought i was sure to get alot of laughs....oh how wrong i was! I had somehow subconsciously assumed that the crowd would be the same as that of the Comedy Club where i had performed many times before...i was soooooooooooooooooo wrong!!! The crowd was probably for the majority more suited to lawn bowls then my edgy, revolutionary style of comedy ;) ...i was in shock. I was editing my material until the very moment my name was called up and i nervously made my way up to the microphone.

I should point out that i thought my material was gold, absolute gold. The instant my opening line/joke didn't get a reaction i knew i was in trouble and had to work to get some laughs which i think i did get in the end. I didn't get the reaction from the crowd that i was hoping for but that was to be expected. I was nervous throughout the performance and it probably showed on some occasions. The biggest laughs were when i said  "Cmon people, this is comedy gold, give me something!". I barely made it through my last joke, one about Xena the Warrior princess (just imagine doing her high pitched and loud 'alalalalalalala' voice) but i got through it. I was highly critical of my performance but in the end i was proud i got up there and gave it a crack after so long out of the game.

ForeverConflicted

My night with The Viennas

So i've just got home after a night out supporting a friend from work and his band 'The Vienna's' and im still buzzing, im still feeling the massive amount of love that came from the gig. The venue, The Jade Monkey, was packed from the moment we got there, full within moments of the doors being open...you could tell with the amount of people there it was going to be a special night. I had never even heard of the Jade Monkey until recently and im glad that i experienced it before it is closed down. In short it is a really funky venue, it was like a whole bunch of furniture and fittings that don't belong coming to together to construct a masterpiece, something kinda like an abstract painting.

The support act got up on stage and were great, they warmed the crowd and prepared us for the piece-de-resistance, The Vienna's. Before the first note had been played, before the first lyric had been sung everyone was on their feet, at attention, ready to give the love to the guys on their big night. This was 'The Viennas' first ep launch so it was a huge night for them and personally, it was great to see so much support in the room. They had everyone swaying to the same beat, had everyone moving to the same rhythm from the moment they obliterated the silence. Looking around from time to time, i saw a lot of smiles directed at the stage, alot of 'toe tapping' and a lot of pride. This was their big night and they delivered. There were even tears towards the end as they thanked everyone for coming along, they fully appreciated us as we did with them and their sound.

THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT!! :)

The Vienna's fb page :)

Good things happen to good people

Or do they? Whenever im feeling down, a bit 'over it all', or can't see the light at the end of the tunnel this is one of the most popular pieces of advice that i am given. Good things happen to good people. I often give this advice to people who appear to be in a situation similar situation and often i give up this advice/comforting thought without really hesitating yet i seem to 'believe' in it's truth. I have just a couple of points id like to explore...

1. What are 'good things' exactly? A person may be going through hardship but considered to be a 'good' person and someone tells them that good things will happen for them as long as they stay true to their 'good' nature. However technically finding a $5 note could be considered a good thing...yet does this make up for the tough times one goes through?

2. What does 'good' in good people mean? Does it mean someone who is altruistic and acts out of the interests of others? Or does it refer to someone who appears to act out of the best interests of others but in fact is selfish? Does it refer to simply a feeling someone has when evaluating a person? What makes someone 'good'?

Your serve,
ForeverConflicted

Given up Alcohol!

As of writing this im 3 days sober, not huge but it's a positive step in the right direction.

I went out a couple of days ago to a nightclub that had a retro/school disco theme for the night. The music was old school, the bass was deep and the girls were hot, everyone was having a good time. The plan for the night was to (with a friend) simply to have a good time but also to go up and talk to a few girls, just to help with the fear of rejection i am working on. For the most part, the night was great for the reasons mentioned above, i actually had the best time i think i could of given the circumstances. Even though i left it late, i did go and up talked to a couple of groups of girls and i felt good about that...night was a success in that regard. However, when i was making my way home it hit me hard, i was hiding behind alot of excuses.

I noticed that the friend i was out with used alcohol as a reason not to get on the dancefloor where the action with and not to talk to the many girls that were around us. He didn't even try and i assume it was because he was self conscious to the point where drinking provided a much needed 'comfort'. I felt sorry for him, to allow the fear of rejection to get to that point is sad. Combined with the relatively high amount of money i spent on alcohol that night, it forced me to ask myself the question: Why do i drink?

The following points came up when i considered whether or not i should cut alcohol out of my life.

1. I never feel the need or desire to drink, i only do so to 'fit in socially'

2. It's really easy to go through money when drinking and id prefer to save

3. I don't particularly enjoy the taste

4. more often then not i will feel worse off 

5. I get the same buzz, that people get from drinking, from the music/atmosphere/dancefloor

Conclusion: I don't need alcohol and id be better off without it

Join me on my journey to conquer this enemy. Id also like to hear about your efforts or thoughts about alcohol in general :)

ForeverConflicted

My personal challenge...

Today is going to mark my most successful attempt yet. Once and for all i am going to remove women from the pedestal that i have them on at the moment and conquer my fear of rejection. Watch this space because within 4 months i will be dating the girl of my dreams. It's time to grow up!

Crazy Cat Brothers

For those who have figured out who I am by my posts you will know who I am talking about, for those that haven’t figured it out im sure you know someone who this post will remind you of…

I love cats and all things cat related, im even a member of Cats Addicts Anonymouse group on facebook. Cat’s are hilarious, they are cute, they are just all round awesome. There is nothing wrong with people who adore their cats, or any pet for that matter. I thought I had heard and seen it all but I think my brother has taken it to a NEW LEVEL OF WEIRDNESS.

I had just finished a very tough and busy shift at work, I had made my way home and knocked on the door to be let in. What am I greeted by? Have a guess…go on, guess. I’ll tell you what I wasn’t greeted by, I wasn’t greeted by a girl of my dreams, I wasn’t greeted by a mythical penguin or even a tiny leprachaun. I would of thought all of those would of made more sense then what did occur. I was greeted by my brother and our kitten Scuttles (My Girl Scuttles).

Imainge a voice that is high pitched, high volume and very animated. Imagine this voice as if it was the voice of a cartoon character (come to think of it, it does remind me of some character…) and then imagine my kitten welcoming me in this cartoon with this voice and with some very bad lip sycnching going on. This was how I was greeted “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, welcome Hoooooooooooooome”.

People talk of Guantanamo bay, Iraqi prisons, Carly Rae (“Hey this is crazy and I just “ENOUGH!!!”) and various other forms of extreme torture…I think I topped that. Then also imagine that this goes on almost ALL of the time in some voice or another when my brother and Scuttles are in the same romm together. The other favourite voice that Scuttles ‘has’ is a Southern Belle accent. Imagine the following in said accent…”My name is Scuttles and I am a lady” or “I do declare, that guy is a handsome fellow”…insert own line!

Don’t get me wrong it was hilarious to begin with and still is on some occassions but only in SMALL DOSES. This is war!!

Feel my pain

ForeverConflicted 

A MUST for Gamers & Movie Goers..

If you want a no holds barred brutal look at all things gaming and movies then this is the blog for you. You h ave been warned ;)

The Sceptical Snowman

ForeverConflicted

I get knocked down but i get up again...

This is dedicated to all those guys n girls who despite constant rejection never give up :)


Last Saturday night (Australian time) was originally meant to be a good night out on the town. I had a few friends lined up and i had planned to go out and get over my fear of rejection. "Tonight is going to be the night, enough is enough" i remember telling myself in an attempt to build my confidence. However as that morning/day wore on, the weather turned apocolyptic and there were thunderstorms, maybe lighting and a whole lot of coldness. This was when my friends started to cancel on me, "it will be too cold n wet" or better yet, some complete non responses at all...

I will not lie, it did affect me and was a blow to my confidence. As it turned out the weather was pretty damn good for a winter's evening but still no luck in convincing anyone to come out. Fear not though my friends, i went out anyway...i was determined to conquer my fears, i had to be prepared to go out on my own, no excuses! So with the Adrenaline coursing through my veins i head out and after getting some pizza i went straight to the pool/8ball/snooker hall/club that me n my friends had went to the previous Saturday night.

An extremely attractive barmaid, that i had worked up alot of courage to talk to and have a good conversation the week before, recognised my and said hello. I was feeling good, so i walk up to the bar, i don't look completely interested and i engage her in conversation again. It was all going great, here i was talking to an extremely attractive girl who seemed genuine, down to earth, not 'stuck-up' and for better or worse i was considering inviting her to a comedy show the following week.

*massive sigh*...i then, noticing just how busy the place with say "wow, me n my friends picked a good night to come out and play" to which she reponded "do you even have any friends? because you did this last time". Needless to say my confidence was DESTROYED and i quickly went home shortly after, more devastated that my self-confidence was so low at the time that i couldn't handle the situation :(

and then i went out next saturday...


This post should help to explain the first part of my So proud post

I raise a glass to you...

I was facing the very real possibility of a boring day at work today and it nearly was that all the way through my shift. Time just dragged.....and dragged....and dragged, ugh!! Usually i would content myself with playing re-runs of my favourite movies in my mind in times of such need but alas work needed to be done.

It was out of the blue, about 2/3's of the way through my shift when a fellow staff member came up to and passed along some feedback, regarding myself, from a patron they had just talked to. I quote "the couple that just walked through just said to me that they had been coming to the movies for over 10 years and he (me) is the best guy here, he really loves his movies".

From that point on i had a massive smile on my face and i genuinely felt good about myself, this rarely happens so i soaked it up for what it was worth. Being complimented by a patron like that is extremely rare, so when it happens, it's truly uplifting. I was humbled and felt validated at the same time. I have a certain code when it comes to patron/customer interaction, "leave them with the best possible feeling i can"...usually i achieve this through getting them to smile, or to laugh, or to simply talk about their day. However, i never do this in the hope i will be recognised or talked about...i do it simply to brighten someone's day, not for the compliments or any self benefit.

While im on the subject, alot of this type of positive customer service will go un-noticed by your managers and fellow staff. So basically what i want to here with this post is share my good moment and dedicate it to everyone who loves customer service and has a positive influence on the people they deal with regardless if they get noticed or not.

Help me out....

I'll keep it simple, i dont have that many blogs that im following at the moment. I want to follow blogs based upon good recommendations.

Blogs i can highly recommend are as follows...

The World as i see it  (a unique perspective on the world, considers peanut butter to be superior to nutella)

Swinging like a rusty gate (the world won't look the same, considers nutella to be more awesome then peanut butter)

Gorillas Bananas's Blogs (link wouldn't work, does posts from the perspective of a guerilla)

Enjoy the reads and be kind enough to recommend a blog or two :D

My girl "Scuttles" (kitten) :D

This post is dedicated to my baby girl Scuttles, pronounced "Scuddles".

Ever since we brought her home from the RSPCA (the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals- a shelter basically) she has been a blessing and a bundle of joy. Scuttles has given me so much, not just in her cuteness, the way she plays all day, nor how she brightens up our lives with every glance but also because i have to look after her, it makes me feel useful. Just like how a spanner would feel if infact it could feel at all.

I simply wanted to share some of my favourite moments so far spent with my little darling and in no particular order of awesomeness.

1. The Shower: Anytime after me or my housemates have had a shower lately Scuttles is either waiting outside or comes running into the bathroom and hops straight onto the shower floor. She plays and jumps in all the puddles completely soaking her feet before she finds us, looks up at us with her huge black eyes with a look that says "i know ive done wrong but i will get away with it because im cute"...she then proceeds to flick all the excess water into our faces.

2. Apple/Yoghurt gate: You thought Watergate was bad well this morning when i woke up just before my alarm, i hear soft little noises making their way closer to my bed. You guessed it, Scuttles! Being rather annoyed we hadn't fed her yet, she cries/mews, hops (yes hops, not walks) all over my bed, rests on my face/neck and then proceeds to knock over half a glass of apple juice and i get most of it all over me. You think the psychological warfare would stop there but no! After my shower i return to my room to find that a half eaten yoghurt had 'fell' onto the floor. I suspect 'Scuttles'...just not sure what her agenda is... o.O

3. I look forward to seeing Scuttles no matter if im just waking up or if im on my way home. It doesn't matter if i'm really tired or hungover after i've just woken up, there she is, waiting outside my door happy to see her servant is up to play with and feed her. Forget drugs, forget a long arduous exercise routine, forget your favourite tv show...kittens (or puppies or any other pet really) are instant feel good fixes. It also doesn't matter what day you have had, doesn't matter what mood you are in when you come home, your pet doesn't care...it just wants you to be happy and play with it, entertain it, look after it.

I could go on and on about Scuttles and her antics but id much rather hear about a favourite memory of yours that involves an animal, pet or otherwise. We can learn so much from them :D

Farewell my better half (my beard)...

This shall not be a long post....i just wanted to pay tribute to one of my dearest friends, my confidante, my pal..my beard.

I will miss you buddy and im truly sorry it had to end as violently as it did, it just got to the point where enough was enough. You had plans i know but i didn't see myself fitting into them,  i needed a new look. Fear not though, your legacy will live on. Im confident your children will one day grow up and become fine beards, beards that even Gandalf would be proud of...

If they don't, they know what will happen to them. RIP

Im calling June the 15th 'Touch a Beard Day' in rememberance of my fallen comrade :/

My Code of Ethics

Most of my teenager years and during my early foray into adulthood i had always thought i had strong morals and that simply having strong morals was enough to make you a good person, someone who could sleep easy at night. Growing up wasn't easy, it wasn't a walk in the park, it was hard (having said that, walk's during the park when under the influence can indeed be difficult...i stand corrected...by myself o.O). It wasn't until a few weeks ago where i think i had the ever so cliche "Epiphany". I was inspired by a movie 'Act of Valor' an amazing true story about bravery, being a 'real' man, family, honor etc etc. One of the best moments in the film is where a man writes a letter to the infant son of one of him fallen mates, telling the son about the man his father was, the code of conduct he lived by. I was thus inspired to write my own code of conduct, as follows:

In no particular order (and unedited):

- Pursue what you are passionate about and what makes you happy
- Give praise where praise is due
- Don't be afraid of success, make it your friend
- Never lie, cheat or steal
- Be genuinely happy for those that deserve it
- Don't judge people before you get to know them
- People shouldn't be treated differently no matter their race, gender, religion, sexual preference
- Hard work is rewarded in the end, so persevere and see things through
- Have an iron will
- Help those you are able to help
- know that you have the power to make a positive change in this world
- enjoy life's little victories, be truly proud of any successes, no matter how small they might seem
- Smile
- take a moment to reflect on all that is well with your life
- be caring, understanding and patient with those that need it
- Stand up for yourself when the situation demands it
- Never give up
- dare to dream, take a risk and enjoy the journey rather then focus on the destination
- dont let people walk over the top of you
- be thankful for what you have, don't dwell on what you don't have
- take the most rewarding path not simply the easiest one
- Surround yourself with good people
- 42
- try to make atleast one person laugh/smile per day

That's my code of ethics and the things that i truly value and pride myself on. What are the 3 traits you value most and pride yourself on? :D

Poor boy...

*sigh. My rollercoaster of a week continues, this time with a massive low.

I had just finished watching 'Prometheus' at the cinema and was preparing to walk home. As i moving down the escalator i saw a few security guards just beyond the base of the escalator. When there is more then one in the same spot at the same time then you know something is up, so i was curious.

They were huddled around this boy, maybe 6 years old, along with a couple of women. One of the ladies looked like she was hugging him and it was then i noticed that the boy's face was covered in tears. It then clicked that the boy's parents were nowhere to be seen. My heart broke in an instant. I was tearing up.

Not for one second did i start blaming the parents, for i understand that people can lose sight of the people/pets they are looking after no matter how hard they try. I was just experiencing raw emotion for this kid, i hate people seeing people cry, not because it makes me sad but because im a human being....just like we are all human. Im still tearing up over this but i know he was in safe hands, the police were there as were the security guards and he did have a couple of guardian angels looking out for him (the women). I hope he is re-united with loved ones as soon as possible because im sure they are just as distressed as he was.

If you have a loved one, or perhaps a pet dear to you...give em a hug and please make sure you don't lose sight of them

The ol 'tomorrow's a new day' cliche...

Just got back from work...

After last night's post you could be forgiven for thinking that i would be miserable all day, indeed i thought that would be the case as well!! For most of the day i was struggling through my exam revision whilst simultaneously  obliterating my ear drums with some new Skrillex i had downloaded recently. It wasn't working for me and i was dreading the gradually impending doom that consists of work. I wasn't in the mood to work, i just wanted to wallow in self pity, ruminate and find any reason that i could to justify my hopeless view of the world. Despite all this, i got changed for work, said goodbye to my kitten and walked out the front door with an air of resignation, similar to how i imagine Julia Gillard will feel when the election rolls around (random much? or was it? o.O). How quickly things change...

It took all of 3 minutes for my mood to go from flat to optimistic and positive. Enjoy as i relive in low definition the night's highlights...

1. I texted a mate about potential plans for the following night (tonight) and somehow confused the words tonight and tomorrow (being tonight). I likened it to the iPhone's autocorrect, needless to say, i laughed at the stupidity and silliness of it all and before i knew it i had arrived at work.

2. I was in the staff room at work bracing myself to dominate the shift when i realised a particular workmate was also in said room. This particular person borrowed something from me last October and still hasn't returned it, of which now i was only going to accept money instead. Since October, i had the philosophy that it's not on me to constantly remind him about it, eventually he will do the right thing. All this had achieved was to lower my self worth and let someone walk over the top of me. Before i started my shift i asked him if he had the money on him. This may not seem like much but for me it was huge! I rarely, if ever, do that. It might of came across rather timid but i imagined it as if Batman was brutally interrogating the joker...demanding answers! This only enhanced my mood, the patrons had no idea what was about to hit them ;)

3. Small talk. Is one thing i pride myself on at work. It might not be evident from the essay-esque posts that have been demanding your attention so far but it is a source of rare pride for me. I remember introducing myself to a few patrons upon arrival and within seconds i had them laughing....outloud! It felt validating, to all the ladies out there...it was like i had a pregnant beaming glow about me, i was pregnant with a good feeling and i was about to give birth. Yes, i was about to give birth. For the rest of the shift i riffed with the patrons, everyone had fun. It culminated with this brilliant line from myself. Me: Oh good choice! Hilarious movie. Them: So you've seen it? Me: well i can't unsee it (I was referring to 'The Dictator').

4. This was probably the best moment of the night, other then finishing. I was taking food/drinks to a particular seat and low and behold the lady i was about to lay the food/drink down infront of was asleep. First thought was that i was jealous, some sleep would be amazing right now. Then i looked to my right and their friends were silently laughing. I looked back to my left and low and behold her partner was asleep too. I was struggling not to laugh outloud but professionalism won out. What i should mention was infact they had both fallen asleep holding hands. That is love i think and absolutely made my night, my faith in humanity was restored, it gave me hope.

*exhales*

Thanks once again for reading :)

I need to vent...

So its around midnight, i’m shivering from the cold and i should be asleep. Why am i still up? Why am i writing this blog? Why don’t i just get to point and stop wasting time? Why am i talking to myself? I’m constantly questioning myself, its a never ending cycle and it’s mentally, physically and emotionally tiring. All the more reason for me to be asleep right now, which begs the question, what am i avoiding?

The answer to the last question is that im avoiding tomorrow. It’s most likely going to be the same as today, i will get up, eat, study and go to work at some point. It’s the story that never ends. Don’t get me wrong, there will be highlights….i will get the exciting choice of toast or cereal for breakfast, there will be a plot twist (to walk or catch the bus to work) and a fitting finale where i pass out from exhaustion after returning home for work. The monotony of it all, ugh, utterly predictable. This happens basically everyday, yet only now am i writing this blog, divulging my best kept secrets to you. Why?

About a week ago i decided to have another crack at online dating (for the first time in around 3 months after dating a girl throughout march), thinking rather optimistically that it will be different this time, i’m just using it to broaden my options, no harm could possibly come of it. Oh how wrong i was :( It was like i wouldn’t acknowledge the memories of my time using this service prior to my last relationship. Within seconds of creating a new and improved (well at least i thought so anyway) profile i was ‘rejected’ around 5 times within a couple of minutes. We apply, they deny!! This motto instantly sprung to mind as it was one i coined the last time i went online. Needless to say, old feelings of a lack of self worth, ruined pride and low confidence began to haunt me again. I broke down :(

This was particularly devastating to me as it was another case of letting myself down, breaking yet another promise i had made to myself. I should of known what was going to happen as it had happened many times before. 9 times out of 10 as a guy, you will get rejected online, that is the superficial nature of it all and of the lucky few that have accepted my requests, some were mistakes, jokes, only a few seem genuinely interested. This bothers me and i further analyse it all, there must be something about me that is turning away the girls, there must be an invisible sign above my forehead saying: are you bored? do you not know what you want? well do i have the solution for you! Waste some of this guy’s (me) time and get his hopes up, you are sure to get a kick out of it! 

What compounds the issue is that deep down i know i am a good guy, sure i’ve got my insecurities and issues to deal with but don’t we all? Perhaps it says more about the girls rejecting me then it does about me personally? All i know is that however you answer that question, the end result is that i am alone. I really enjoyed the time i spent with the girl i met during the local arts festival, she was fantastic but it just emphasizes my current situation all the more, i lost her, i somehow must of made a mistake and perhaps now i’m serving my sentence.

It’s moments like these that happen over and over again and i don’t stand up for myself when it’s needed. I realised i had become that guy that had hit rock bottom but simply didn’t know it. Those rejection’s served as a wake up call so i decided it’s time i stood up and be counted. This is why i decided to blog, i don’t want this negative energy to build and become destructive, i wan’t to vent, let it all out in the hope that something positive, perhaps even beautiful may occur, just in the same way the petals emerge from a blossoming flower. 

Thank you for reading and being patient. You have no idea how much it means :)