The ol 'tomorrow's a new day' cliche...

Just got back from work...

After last night's post you could be forgiven for thinking that i would be miserable all day, indeed i thought that would be the case as well!! For most of the day i was struggling through my exam revision whilst simultaneously  obliterating my ear drums with some new Skrillex i had downloaded recently. It wasn't working for me and i was dreading the gradually impending doom that consists of work. I wasn't in the mood to work, i just wanted to wallow in self pity, ruminate and find any reason that i could to justify my hopeless view of the world. Despite all this, i got changed for work, said goodbye to my kitten and walked out the front door with an air of resignation, similar to how i imagine Julia Gillard will feel when the election rolls around (random much? or was it? o.O). How quickly things change...

It took all of 3 minutes for my mood to go from flat to optimistic and positive. Enjoy as i relive in low definition the night's highlights...

1. I texted a mate about potential plans for the following night (tonight) and somehow confused the words tonight and tomorrow (being tonight). I likened it to the iPhone's autocorrect, needless to say, i laughed at the stupidity and silliness of it all and before i knew it i had arrived at work.

2. I was in the staff room at work bracing myself to dominate the shift when i realised a particular workmate was also in said room. This particular person borrowed something from me last October and still hasn't returned it, of which now i was only going to accept money instead. Since October, i had the philosophy that it's not on me to constantly remind him about it, eventually he will do the right thing. All this had achieved was to lower my self worth and let someone walk over the top of me. Before i started my shift i asked him if he had the money on him. This may not seem like much but for me it was huge! I rarely, if ever, do that. It might of came across rather timid but i imagined it as if Batman was brutally interrogating the joker...demanding answers! This only enhanced my mood, the patrons had no idea what was about to hit them ;)

3. Small talk. Is one thing i pride myself on at work. It might not be evident from the essay-esque posts that have been demanding your attention so far but it is a source of rare pride for me. I remember introducing myself to a few patrons upon arrival and within seconds i had them laughing....outloud! It felt validating, to all the ladies out there...it was like i had a pregnant beaming glow about me, i was pregnant with a good feeling and i was about to give birth. Yes, i was about to give birth. For the rest of the shift i riffed with the patrons, everyone had fun. It culminated with this brilliant line from myself. Me: Oh good choice! Hilarious movie. Them: So you've seen it? Me: well i can't unsee it (I was referring to 'The Dictator').

4. This was probably the best moment of the night, other then finishing. I was taking food/drinks to a particular seat and low and behold the lady i was about to lay the food/drink down infront of was asleep. First thought was that i was jealous, some sleep would be amazing right now. Then i looked to my right and their friends were silently laughing. I looked back to my left and low and behold her partner was asleep too. I was struggling not to laugh outloud but professionalism won out. What i should mention was infact they had both fallen asleep holding hands. That is love i think and absolutely made my night, my faith in humanity was restored, it gave me hope.

*exhales*

Thanks once again for reading :)

I need to vent...

So its around midnight, i’m shivering from the cold and i should be asleep. Why am i still up? Why am i writing this blog? Why don’t i just get to point and stop wasting time? Why am i talking to myself? I’m constantly questioning myself, its a never ending cycle and it’s mentally, physically and emotionally tiring. All the more reason for me to be asleep right now, which begs the question, what am i avoiding?

The answer to the last question is that im avoiding tomorrow. It’s most likely going to be the same as today, i will get up, eat, study and go to work at some point. It’s the story that never ends. Don’t get me wrong, there will be highlights….i will get the exciting choice of toast or cereal for breakfast, there will be a plot twist (to walk or catch the bus to work) and a fitting finale where i pass out from exhaustion after returning home for work. The monotony of it all, ugh, utterly predictable. This happens basically everyday, yet only now am i writing this blog, divulging my best kept secrets to you. Why?

About a week ago i decided to have another crack at online dating (for the first time in around 3 months after dating a girl throughout march), thinking rather optimistically that it will be different this time, i’m just using it to broaden my options, no harm could possibly come of it. Oh how wrong i was :( It was like i wouldn’t acknowledge the memories of my time using this service prior to my last relationship. Within seconds of creating a new and improved (well at least i thought so anyway) profile i was ‘rejected’ around 5 times within a couple of minutes. We apply, they deny!! This motto instantly sprung to mind as it was one i coined the last time i went online. Needless to say, old feelings of a lack of self worth, ruined pride and low confidence began to haunt me again. I broke down :(

This was particularly devastating to me as it was another case of letting myself down, breaking yet another promise i had made to myself. I should of known what was going to happen as it had happened many times before. 9 times out of 10 as a guy, you will get rejected online, that is the superficial nature of it all and of the lucky few that have accepted my requests, some were mistakes, jokes, only a few seem genuinely interested. This bothers me and i further analyse it all, there must be something about me that is turning away the girls, there must be an invisible sign above my forehead saying: are you bored? do you not know what you want? well do i have the solution for you! Waste some of this guy’s (me) time and get his hopes up, you are sure to get a kick out of it! 

What compounds the issue is that deep down i know i am a good guy, sure i’ve got my insecurities and issues to deal with but don’t we all? Perhaps it says more about the girls rejecting me then it does about me personally? All i know is that however you answer that question, the end result is that i am alone. I really enjoyed the time i spent with the girl i met during the local arts festival, she was fantastic but it just emphasizes my current situation all the more, i lost her, i somehow must of made a mistake and perhaps now i’m serving my sentence.

It’s moments like these that happen over and over again and i don’t stand up for myself when it’s needed. I realised i had become that guy that had hit rock bottom but simply didn’t know it. Those rejection’s served as a wake up call so i decided it’s time i stood up and be counted. This is why i decided to blog, i don’t want this negative energy to build and become destructive, i wan’t to vent, let it all out in the hope that something positive, perhaps even beautiful may occur, just in the same way the petals emerge from a blossoming flower. 

Thank you for reading and being patient. You have no idea how much it means :)